My husband is notorious for pretending he is listening to me when it's time to discuss decisions we need to make together in our relationship and then going behind my back and choosing to do the exact opposite of what we agreed upon and blame everything and everyone including me when confronted.
I am a college educated woman who is quite understanding and forgiving and mostly rational until I married a PA. I have thought long and hard and can not find a rational reason why someone who knows exactly what your wishes, opinions and needs are and agrees to them can then ignore it and make decisions against all of that and do it on a continual basis.
Money seems to be a big one for us.... he's made arrangements to refinance our home without me agreeing to it and going to another company when I'm a real estate paralegal to saying yes to anything and everything I ask if we can afford and then without warning blowing up at me about it later while we are out enjoying a day at the races.
The latest is how he scheduled a Realtor to come look at our house on a day and time that I specifically did not want. We discussed on a Sunday (and I reiterated my feelings on Monday) how we needed more time to get everything thing together to show the house, I suggested no earlier than Thursday. He agreed. I get a text message on Monday around 5 PM saying that the Realtor is coming Tuesday afternoon..WTF? His excuse for ignoring our whole conversation and making me feel like I didn't matter at all was that since the Realtor was his boss's husband, he was doing us a favor coming over to look at our house and that it would have been rude to say no. Since this isn't my first rodeo at this kind of stuff, I allowed him to do ALL the cleaning that I was planning on doing on my day off Wednesday while I went shopping. I still confronted him and he knew I wasn't happy, but I did not let it affect my regular plan.
And on Tuesday, I made sure I didn't come home until after the Realtor left. The way I see it is if he can make decisions without me and ignore our agreements then I don't need to be involved in those decisions if I can help it.
Now on my day off from work, I'm going to the races with friends.
I've learned that being married to a PA is like being hooked up to a WET VAC... they can suck you dry, leaving you feeling depressed, alone and crazy IF you let them.... I admit I have allowed him to do this to me for months until I educated myself on Passive Aggressive /Avoidance Behaviors and more so how to deal with them.
We start back at counseling on April 24th.... I will keep you posted on our journey with that as well!
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
THIS IS MY STORY
Today I begin my quest to see if I can have a successful relationship with my PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE AVOIDANT HUSBAND. Since I have ADD, I thought keeping a blog would be most beneficial.
I have been married a little over six months to a man who has always kept me at a distance when it came to emotional connection and intimacy. He is a text book definition of "NICE GUY" and "YES MAN"; both qualities that drew me to him in the first place. He is the type of guy who liked to hold my hand at all times....while watching TV, laying in bed, traveling in the car, etc. but rarely initiated sex. In the beginning, I was OK with being in charge of everything because my personality allowed me to say what I liked/disliked and make a choice when he couldn't. I don't remember one time when I asked him for something and he said no to me. At first I thought it was great! I now know that he will do anything to avoid even the possibility of rejection or confrontation.
My first AH-HA MOMENT was when I decided to see what would happen if I stopped making all the decisions, initiating sex, being the first to start a conversation, apologize, etc. When I stopped.... everything stopped. So, I expressed to him that I needed him to take charge for a bit. He simply said, "Ok". I kept waiting for him to step up (I'M STILL WAITING) and nothing changed. I use to approach him in a VERY non confrontational manner expressing to him what I needed from him emotionally, intimately sexually, etc. He would either look at me, almost with a blank look on his face, nod, and simply say, "Ok, babe". The more time that went by without him doing any of these things, the more and more my patience wore and eventually went away completely. He has promised so many times that he is working on this behavior or that, but has never followed through on any of them. He PLAYS THE VICTIM well and has a very SELECTIVE MEMORY which he uses to his advantage to make me think that I'm the one with the problem. When asked about his childhood, he will tell you it was great PERIOD. Nothing more. When probed deeper, he answers almost always, "I don't recall". I feel like I am married to a stranger.... a very nice, well mannered, stranger.
For the past three months I have been at the end of my rope. He is fully aware that I am not carrying him in this relationship anymore and that he has many passive aggressive and conflict avoidant behaviors that he needs to work through. Which brings me to today... he has been "working" on his passive aggressiveness and assertiveness and wrote me a letter (since we now can't even verbally communicate without me getting furious) about it. I will post it hereafter.
I am unsure as to how to respond to the letter and feel expressing my reaction in words in this blog rather than to him at this moment is the "cooling down" outlet I need to move forward in the most positive way.
I plan to take this approach in all aspects of this journey. Sometimes when you put your feelings on paper then revisit them later, you see them differently. And maybe in that time, someone who knows this situation better can also give clarity in the situation I am going through at the time.
NO ONE EVER SAID LOVE WAS EASY. SINCE I AM A FIGHTER, I AM GOING TO FIGHT FOR THE LOVE I DESERVE AND FIGHT TO HELP MY MAN FEEL CONFIDENT THAT HE CAN GIVE ME THAT LOVE!!
Wish me luck!!
I have been married a little over six months to a man who has always kept me at a distance when it came to emotional connection and intimacy. He is a text book definition of "NICE GUY" and "YES MAN"; both qualities that drew me to him in the first place. He is the type of guy who liked to hold my hand at all times....while watching TV, laying in bed, traveling in the car, etc. but rarely initiated sex. In the beginning, I was OK with being in charge of everything because my personality allowed me to say what I liked/disliked and make a choice when he couldn't. I don't remember one time when I asked him for something and he said no to me. At first I thought it was great! I now know that he will do anything to avoid even the possibility of rejection or confrontation.
My first AH-HA MOMENT was when I decided to see what would happen if I stopped making all the decisions, initiating sex, being the first to start a conversation, apologize, etc. When I stopped.... everything stopped. So, I expressed to him that I needed him to take charge for a bit. He simply said, "Ok". I kept waiting for him to step up (I'M STILL WAITING) and nothing changed. I use to approach him in a VERY non confrontational manner expressing to him what I needed from him emotionally, intimately sexually, etc. He would either look at me, almost with a blank look on his face, nod, and simply say, "Ok, babe". The more time that went by without him doing any of these things, the more and more my patience wore and eventually went away completely. He has promised so many times that he is working on this behavior or that, but has never followed through on any of them. He PLAYS THE VICTIM well and has a very SELECTIVE MEMORY which he uses to his advantage to make me think that I'm the one with the problem. When asked about his childhood, he will tell you it was great PERIOD. Nothing more. When probed deeper, he answers almost always, "I don't recall". I feel like I am married to a stranger.... a very nice, well mannered, stranger.
For the past three months I have been at the end of my rope. He is fully aware that I am not carrying him in this relationship anymore and that he has many passive aggressive and conflict avoidant behaviors that he needs to work through. Which brings me to today... he has been "working" on his passive aggressiveness and assertiveness and wrote me a letter (since we now can't even verbally communicate without me getting furious) about it. I will post it hereafter.
I am unsure as to how to respond to the letter and feel expressing my reaction in words in this blog rather than to him at this moment is the "cooling down" outlet I need to move forward in the most positive way.
I plan to take this approach in all aspects of this journey. Sometimes when you put your feelings on paper then revisit them later, you see them differently. And maybe in that time, someone who knows this situation better can also give clarity in the situation I am going through at the time.
NO ONE EVER SAID LOVE WAS EASY. SINCE I AM A FIGHTER, I AM GOING TO FIGHT FOR THE LOVE I DESERVE AND FIGHT TO HELP MY MAN FEEL CONFIDENT THAT HE CAN GIVE ME THAT LOVE!!
Wish me luck!!
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